Intimate partners often express frustration about not being listened to properly, feeling unheard, or even ignored. How can couples improve their communication and, just as importantly, their listening skills? Here are three practical tips that can help foster better understanding and connection in your relationship.
Tip #1. Listening is not Passive
To really listen to someone else, we can’t just be passive, quiet and hope that information will soak into us like water into a sponge! Proper listening, and the improved communication that it enables, is an active process.
Try this exercise with your partner to sharpen your listening skills:
- For 5 minutes, let your partner share what’s on their mind. Start a timer and let them speak for the first 2 minutes.
- When the timer goes off, pause the conversation and say, “So, if I’ve heard you correctly, you’re saying that…” and then summarize what you’ve understood so far.
- Listen to their feedback on your summary. Then, restart the timer for the remaining 3 minutes and let them continue.
- At the end of 3 minutes, interrupt again and say, “Okay, so here’s what I heard…” and summarize again.
- Listen to their feedback once more and then switch roles, allowing your partner to listen while you speak.
At first, you’ll notice this exercise is more challenging than it seems. The moment you start thinking about your own opinions, you’ll find yourself missing crucial parts of what your partner is saying.
This exercise forces you to be fully present and momentarily set aside your own perspective.
While this might feel awkward at first, it’s a powerful investment in better communication with your partner. Make this a weekly practice until it becomes second nature.
Tip #2. Experiment with Empathy
Empathy is vital to healthy couples communication. But what exactly is empathy?
What it’s not is sympathy. Sympathy is trying to feel similar emotions to the other person, while empathy is trying to understand another person’s point-of-view and so-called lived experience.
How can we do that?
For one, it helps to use your imagination.
Too often, we are caught up in our own thoughts, responses, and challenges, and we fail to pause and consider what it might be like to be in our partner’s shoes.
Take a moment to reflect on what your partner is going through. If they are facing a difficult situation, such as conflict with a family member, imagine what it would be like to deal with that yourself. What would your concerns, worries, or fears be?
This simple act of mentally stepping into their world helps foster deeper understanding and compassion. Spending time imagining life from your partner’s perspective is time well spent!
Tip #3: Don’t Forget to Have Fun
When relationships hit rocky patches, it’s easy to get bogged down in the seriousness of it all. But one key aspect of a healthy relationship is remembering to have fun together.
Yes, conflicts and challenges are important, but it’s also important not to take yourself or your relationship too seriously.
Here’s a fun exercise to bring some lightheartedness into your communication:
Choose a small, playful topic—like which movie to watch or what to cook for dinner—and take turns making exaggerated, over-the-top arguments for your choice. The goal isn’t to win but to keep the conversation playful and humorous.
You might argue that your movie pick is the “greatest cinematic achievement in history” or that the dinner you’re suggesting will “change the course of culinary history!”
This playful exercise reminds you both that it’s okay to be lighthearted, even in the midst of relationship challenges.
Shared laughter fosters connection and helps defuse tension, reminding you both why you enjoy each other’s company in the first place.
For more on this, give me a call and set up an appointment.
Thanks for reading.
For more relationship help, drop me a line at:
marcelharper@rationaltherapy.co.za