In this article I’ll discuss how the myth of controlling others (either being controlled or you doing the controlling) is both unhelpful and guaranteed to create misery.
People don’t always act the way we want them to. They don’t respond to our needs in the way we hoped. They don’t apologize like they mean it. They make decisions we disagree with, sometimes deeply.
And often, the people we care about the most are the ones who seem most resistant to changing in the ways we wish they would.
Quite often, we are likely to insist something like:
“They shouldn’t act like this. I can’t stand it when they do! They must change.”
Unfortunately, the moment we demand that someone must behave differently, and they don’t, we find ourselves not just frustrated, but deeply disturbed. That shift: From preference to demand, is where emotional suffering lives.
This is where Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) offers a potentially life-changing truth:
You can’t control anyone. Similarly, nobody can control you.
Why You Can’t Control Other People
Here’s the heart of it: we simply cannot control other people because they, like us, are autonomous beings with their own minds, values, interpretations, and choices. And they get to use them, even if we disagree.
You can’t reach into your partner’s brain and make them understand your hurt.
You can’t force your child to live a different lifestyle, or your colleague to care as much as you do, or your ex to co-parent in a way that feels fair.
This truth: that you cannot control other people, is true even when your requests are completely reasonable. Despite that, others still have the ability to ignore them (and often, they will do just that!).
Of course, nothing prevents you from trying to influence, ask, explain, assert yourself, or even walk away.
But you cannot guarantee that another person will feel, think, or act the way you want. Holding on to that illusion only leads to resentment, anger, and ultimately, misery.
The Fallout of Demanding Control
When we cling to the idea that others must behave in ways we deem fair, loving, or respectful, we make ourselves emotionally dependent on something outside of our control.
That’s when frustration becomes rage, disappointment becomes depression, and concern becomes anxiety or guilt.
We end up spinning in emotional circles: becoming angrier and angrier at people who may not want to change, or cultivating feelings of hopelessness and helplessness by turning inward and damning ourselves.
Whether it’s in our intimate relationships, at work, in parenting, or in difficult family dynamics: demanding control is a surefire way to feel powerless.
The Hidden Gift: No One Can Control You, Either
Here’s the liberating flip side to this principle: If you can’t control others, then they can’t control you either.
No matter how someone criticizes you, pressures you, manipulates you, or tries to make you feel guilty, it’s still up to you how you interpret and respond.
They can have an opinion. They can make a demand. But you have the power to evaluate their message, dispute it if needed, and act in a way that’s aligned with your own ideas, and not your fears.
That’s not a loophole. It’s emotional sovereignty.
It means that even in the face of injustice or pressure, you are still the final authority over your own attitude and behavior, even in circumstances where financial or political power is not readily available to you.
Better Thinking Leads to Better Solutions
Letting go of control doesn’t mean giving up!
It means shifting from unrealistic demands to empowered action.
When we stop trying to control other people, we often get better at:
- Communicating assertively instead of yelling, sulking, or withdrawing
- Setting healthy limits instead of trying to manipulate outcomes
- Hearing feedback without collapsing or exploding
- Discerning when to stay, when to compromise, and when to walk away
REBT teaches us that by disputing the belief that others must act as we prefer, we create space for problem-solving. We move from anger or helplessness to acknowledging the bad situation, and then taking steps to improve it.
What You Can Actually Control
So if you can’t control other people, what is under your control?
- What you tell yourself about their behavior
- Whether you continue engaging in the same dynamic
- How you want to live, regardless of their approval
- Whether you define your worth by how others treat you
That’s the power of rational thinking: it gives you back the driver’s seat of your own experience.
Helpful Questions for When You’re Caught in the Control Trap
If you’re currently upsetting yourself about controlling others (or being controlled), try asking yourself:
- Am I demanding control where I only have influence?
- Am I confusing a preference (“I wish they would…”) with a demand (“They must…”)?
- What are the consequences of continuing to demand that they change?
- How could I respond more helpfully, even if they never change?
These questions don’t make the situation easy. But they do make it manageable, and you calmer.
Final Thought: It’s Too Damned Bad
Yes, it would be much easier if people just cooperated, grew at our pace, and matched our values. But they don’t have to.
Trying to control them won’t make them, either.
Instead, REBT invites you to focus on the only true domain of control you’ll ever have: your thoughts, your attitudes, and your actions.
You can’t control anyone else. And that’s too damned bad.
But it also means this: no one else controls you either.
And that’s pretty damned good.
Thanks for reading.
For more help, book yourself a session here.