Despite it being a pain, failure is unfortunately baked into life. Many people struggle to deal with failing, or fear failing even when they aren’t currently failing at anything. In this article I take you through a more helpful, reasonable approach to failure.
Here are some sentences I’ve heard over the years of helping people cope with failure:
“I must succeed.”
“Failure is unacceptable.”
“If I fail, it proves I’m no good.”
“This is a catastrophe.”
“I cannot stand this.”
These are all examples of inflexible attitudes toward failure. And from a Rational Emotive Behavioural Therapy (REBT) perspective, it is one of the fastest routes to misery.
Because if success is a must, then failure becomes a verdict. If failure is unacceptable, then any mistake becomes evidence of personal deficiency. If you tell yourself you cannot stand failing, then every setback feels like psychological collapse.
As a result, failure at any number of important tasks can then lead to the following very unhelpful emotional responses:
- Shame
- Self-rejection
- Hopelessness
- Anger at yourself
- Anger at others
- Avoidance of future risks
- Paralysis instead of problem-solving
The problem here is that the event of failing can certainly be painful. But inflexible attitudes about failure can make it even more painful and unhelpful.
How Inflexible Attitudes Sabotage You
Consider the following example.
You present a major proposal at work. Sadly, it’s rejected.
If you cling to an attitude of, “I must succeed,” your internal dialogue might sound like this:
“This is unacceptable. I should not have failed. If I were competent, this wouldn’t have happened. I am a failure.”
Notice what happens next. You are less likely to calmly analyse what went wrong.
Less likely to ask for feedback.
Less likely to refine the idea.
Instead, you might withdraw, ruminate, lash out, or quietly give up, feeling miserable.
The inflexible attitude turns a single failed proposal into a global statement about your worth. It shifts attention from improvement to self-condemnation.
The same pattern may appear in your personal life:
A relationship ends. Or you make a parenting decision that backfires. Or you handle a conflict poorly.
The inflexible interpretation says:
“This should not have happened. I ruin things. I always mess up. I cannot bear this.”
And now you are not just dealing with the original mistake or loss (a trouble in and of itself), but also despair, anger, and a sense of personal defectiveness (additional, self-inflicted trouble – double trouble).
The Flexible Attitude: Realistic and Productive
What is the remedy for such inflexible attitudes?
Let’s contrast the inflexible ideas above with more adaptive ones:
“I strongly prefer to succeed.”
“Failure is unpleasant.”
“I made mistakes, but that doesn’t mean I am a mistake.”
“I am a fallible human being.”
“This is hard, but not catastrophic.”
“It’s difficult and painful but I can handle this”
Important to note: The flexible orientation does not deny that failure is bad.
It does not pretend that losing a job, failing an exam, or damaging a relationship is pleasant.
It simply refuses to turn a bad event into a total condemnation of the self or into a catastrophe that will destroy you!
From an REBT standpoint, this orientation rests on reasonable, rational and flexible ideas such as:
- I want success, but I do not absolutely need it to survive or be worthwhile.
- Failure is bad but not the end of the world.
- I can tolerate discomfort, even intense discomfort.
- My behaviour can be evaluated. My entire worth cannot.
These more flexible ideas lead to very different consequences.
Instead of shame and paralysis, you are more likely to feel:
- Disappointment
- Regret
- Concern
- Frustration
These are healthy negative emotions! They are a pain, yes. But they are workable, acknowledge reality, and often lead to productive action (or in cases where little action is possible, acceptance).
Failure as Information Rather Than Indictment
An important side-effect of adopting more flexible attitudes toward failure is that your internal dialogue about failure will shift:
Instead of saying something like:
“This proves I’m no good.”
You may now start to think:
“What can I learn from this?”
“What would I do differently next time?”
“How can I improve the situation?”
You move from self-condemnation to problem-solving.
In work life, that might mean reviewing your proposal, identifying weaknesses, seeking mentorship, or building new skills.
In personal life, it might mean apologising, making amends, having tough but needed conversations, or adjusting expectations.
The flexible attitude supports the simple but powerful stance:
“I failed this time. I’ll try better next time. I am not defined by my failures”
It acknowledges (and accepts) imperfection without collapsing into despair.
Catastrophising and “I Can’t Stand It”
Two irrational attitudes often intensify unhealthy reactions to failure.
First is catastrophising:
“This is the worst thing that could possibly happen – what a disaster!”
Most failures are not literal catastrophes. They are setbacks. They may be serious. They may carry consequences. But they are rarely total ruin.
Second is low frustration tolerance:
“I cannot stand this – this is unbearable!”
Yet, if you think about it carefully, right now, you are standing it. You are breathing. You are functioning. It is unpleasant, yes. But survivable.
When you replace “I cannot stand this” with “I do not like this, but I can tolerate it, I can handle this!” your emotional intensity drops just enough to think clearly.
And thinking clearly is what allows action to take place.
Final Thoughts
You will fail. That is not pessimism. It is reality.
The question is whether you will use failure as evidence that you are defective, or as information about what to improve on.
If you demand that you must not fail, you will live in fear and self-attack.
If you accept that you are fallible, that failure is unpleasant but not catastrophic, and that you can always attempt to do better next time, you gain something far more valuable than perfection.
You gain resilience.
If you’d like more individualised help, book a session with me. Thanks for reading.