People let themselves in for great unhappiness when they demand perfection. Whether in themselves, other people, or the world in general, demanding perfection will create misery. In this article, I show how embracing imperfection is a better idea.
It’s not uncommon for me to encounter clients who claim that they are “perfectionists.” What that usually means is that they have unattainably high standards for themselves, and often, for other people and the world around them.
Not only are these standards unrealistic, but they are often expressed in terms of a demand. Common varieties include:
- “I must be a perfect parent / spouse / athlete”
- “You must be a perfect parent / child / spouse / coworker
- “Life / The World must be perfect and without flaw or imperfection”
This kind of attitude towards perfection gets people into trouble emotionally, as it frequently leads to feelings of despair, misery, or anger when they fail to attain the perfection they so deeply crave.
Imperfection: The Facts
Let’s do a quick reality check to see why demanding perfection is unrealistic. For one, all human beings, and hence all their actions, thoughts and ideas, are imperfect or flawed. And while superheroes are fun to watch in movies, they are not real.
Consider this: No human being has ever been born perfect. We will make mistakes, and we will make them often. Even when we learn from our mistakes, we may well repeat them, or invent new mistakes to make!
The same holds true for the world. It is not a perfect place nor has it ever been. Life is filled with the unexpected, both positive and negative. At times, things may seem to be going perfectly, but sadly (and inevitably), that can and will change.
We ought to be disappointed that we, other people, and the world are not perfect all the time. It certainly would be nice if it were different. And imperfection is certainly frustrating at times!
But it is by no means a tragedy. It’s simply a fact of the world that we had better accept if we want to remain sane and not upset ourselves greatly or experience painful emotions like depression, rage, and hopelessness.
The bottom line is this: To the extent that you demand perfection in yourself, the world or other people, you will also experience intense unhappiness, anger and hopelessness.
Feeling unhappy, angry and hopeless is not conducive to a good, happy life and so it makes sense to do something else with imperfections!
The Alternative: Embrace Imperfection
Aspiring to perfection while embracing imperfection is the answer.
Aspiring to perfection is motivational, but acknowledges that it is, and always will be an aspiration only. One that is unattainable most of the time and fleeting when we do attain it.
With this attitude, when you occasionally experience perfection, you can enjoy it without demanding that it must always be that way!
By embracing imperfection as a fact of life, you are better able to prepare yourself for moments when things don’t work out the way you want, or when people don’t do what you want them to do, or when you behave or perform in ways that are less than ideal.
Dealing with Imperfections
So what to do when you aspire to perfection but experience imperfection?
For instance, you may aspire to be the perfect romantic partner, but despite your best intentions and efforts, say something that is insensitive and mean.
Now what?
For one, it’s important to accept your imperfections and not demand perfection. So, while it’s perfectly reasonable to have a strong desire to be a perfect partner (aspirational perfection), it is rigid and unreasonable to demand that you must be a perfect partner, at all times.
When we make a mistake, it’s useful to acknowledge the mistake, accept the frustration of imperfection, and then aspire to improve next time. That sort of attitude is flexible and reasonable without leading to misery or anger.
So, in our example above, a reasonable response to saying something insensitive could be, “Damn! I wish I hadn’t said that. It’s frustrating to make mistakes, but there’s no reason to believe that I must not ever make mistakes like that. In fact, I can expect to make a good many more in the future. I’ll try better next time.”
By stubbornly refusing to demand perfection, and instead, choosing aspirational perfection as a viable and more reasonable, flexible alternative, you will open yourself to feeling real joy when perfection comes your way, and to not get overly upset or miserable when it does not (which will, regrettably, happen quite often).
Thank you for reading!
To get more personalized help, consider making a booking and see me for a one-on-one session.