Although it is easier said than done, we do, to some extent, “choose” how we will react to adversity. There are generally two ways to react when something in your life goes awry: Flexibly or rigidly. In this article, we look at how flexible attitudes can get you more of what you want and less of what you don’t.
Structure vs Content of Attitudes
How we react to adversity is all about the structure of our thoughts rather than their content. Here is an example to illustrate this important difference.
Consider these two attitudes:
Attitude #1:
I prefer the approval of my team members and manager and would like to have their approval more often than not.
Attitude #2:
I must have the approval of my team members and manager and have to have it all the time!
Note how both attitudes above have essentially the same content.
In both cases, the person has a desire for more approval.
But the two attitudes are quite different in their structure.
Attitude #1 is flexible, while Attitude #2 is not.
Attitude #2 is an example of a rigid attitude.
Rigid attitudes, like Attitude #2 above, paint us into corners: they are traps of our own design that prevent us from getting to solutions.
I call rigid attitudes “traps” because that’s exactly what happens to your brain when you indulge in rigid attitudes:
- Rigid attitudes trap you in an unpleasant, unproductive cycle of poor reactions and interactions.
In the example above, a person who holds on to rigid attitudes about needing approval all the time will tend to be worried about getting approval, losing approval, and even when they receive it, they will be anxious about losing that approval!
Flexible Attitudes: The Better Option
Unlike rigid attitudes, flexible ones help us be goal-oriented and while they will not completely remove unpleasant feelings such as frustration, worry, or annoyance, flexible attitudes help us rise above them and ultimately, achieve our goals.
Here are some examples of Flexible versus Rigid Attitudes to illustrate the point:
Rigid Attitudes
- Do not allow for failure or error
- Do not tolerate imperfection
- Must be satisfied immediately and completely
- Do not accept failure or imperfection in self or others
Flexible Attitudes
- Allow for normal error and failure, in fact, expects quite a bit of failure during the course of a lifetime
- Allow for and tolerate imperfection. Acknowledge that perfection is a mythical, unhelpful idea
- Can delay gratification and acknowledge that 100% complete satisfaction is very rare
- Allow for the imperfection of self and others and expect occasional, even regular failures
Gaining Control of Your Attitudes
To stop counterproductive, rigid attitudes, you’ll need to practice flexible alternatives to rigid attitudes, experiment with new ways of doing things, and train yourself to be less demanding of yourself and others.
There are a variety of methods you can use to combat rigidity in your attitudes. Here are a few of the most powerful:
Become aware of the situations that lead to rigid attitudes
We all have unique situations that are associated with rigid attitudes. For some, situations that threaten their view of themselves, their career, or their self-esteem lead to rigid attitudes. For others, situations that are likely to result in conflict or disapproval could be problematic.
Knowing the situations that are associated with your rigid attitudes is a good first step in becoming more flexible in your approach.
Experiment with behaviour by placing yourself in challenging situations
One of the best ways of changing rigid attitudes is by challenging them with action.
If your rigid attitudes revolve around perfection, you need to experiment with the consequences of imperfection by immersing yourself in your imperfections, or perhaps even purposefully seeking out tasks that will have real risks of failure.
If your attitudes are rigidly demanding approval, then being disapproved of will teach you a lot about how to manage your thinking—if you prepare yourself with flexible alternatives first!
Get some help
Doing all of this alone can be tough.
Life is busy and resources are limited, so getting someone to help you create more flexible attitudes can be very useful. I’ve helped hundreds of folks just like you to take control of their attitudes to get more out of their lives.
Drop me a line at marcelharper@rationaltherapy.co.za and we can get started.