Emotions are part of being human. They color our experiences, guide our decisions, and shape our relationships. But not all emotions are equally useful. Some assist us in taking constructive action, while others send us spiraling into unhelpful directions. In this article, I discuss the difference between helpful and harmful emotions.
Not All Negative Emotions Are Bad
Some people think emotional health means always being happy or positive. Not so.
Life comes with frustrations, losses, and difficulties. Feeling disappointed when you fail at something important or sad when a relationship ends is natural and even useful. The problem isn’t feeling bad: It’s the degree or intensity of emotion that can become problematic.
For instance, if a valued relationship ends, it is normal and human to feel sad and disappointed. This is especially true when the relationship was meaningful to us. Indeed, feelings of sadness can help us process the loss, get in closer touch with our humanity, and provide insights into what we can do next time a relationship comes our way.
But, if we interpret our loss in an inflexible, irrational way, we may intensify the emotions we experience, and helpful emotions may develop into harmful equivalents:
- Sadness can develop into Depression
- Disappointment can develop into Despair
And while sadness and disappointment are difficult emotions, they can help us remain engaged with the realities of life, and ultimately, they encourage us to take action to relieve our pain, such as joining a support group, talking to friends, or seeking out new relationships.
Harmful emotions like depression and despair do not help us at all. Instead, they disengage us from living, and work against functional, healthy action. When we are depressed or in despair, even the tiniest positive action seems unachievable, and our situation appears hopeless.
The Difference Between Healthy and Harmful Emotions
REBT teaches that emotions come from how we think about situations (or people in those situations), not just the situations themselves.
When we have rigid, extreme, or irrational attitudes, we tend to experience harmful emotions that paralyze us or lead to destructive actions.
As an example, let’s compare two sets of attitudes in response to being retrenched or losing employment, a definitely negative life event:
- “This is bad, and I would strongly prefer if this hadn’t happened, but I can handle it. It’s not a disaster”: Such an attitude leads to concern, disappointment, and frustration (helpful emotions).
- “This absolutely must not happen! This is unbearable and is going to be an absolute disaster!”: This attitude will lead to anxiety, despair, and panic (harmful emotions).
Notice how in both cases, there is a negative reaction to the setback. But in the case of harmful emotions, the attitudes are more extreme, rigid, and not goal directed.
How can we move towards more healthy, helpful emotions while limiting harmful ones?
Minimizing Harmful Emotions and Maximizing Helpful Emotions
Harmful emotions keep you stuck. They are often intense, overwhelming, and feel uncontrollable. More often than not, they are generated by extreme attitudes that aren’t based on evidence, and rigid demands about how life should be:
- Panic: “This is an absolute disaster!” But, what is the evidence that this is an actual disaster? Will I die? Will the world end? Or is it a setback (albeit a major one)?
- Despair: “Life must go my way, or I can’t stand it.” But, it would be nice if life always went your way, but it does not have to. You can probably stand it (in fact, you’re likely standing it right now).
Unfortunately, harmful emotions don’t lead to solutions. Instead, they lead to avoidance, anger, bad decisions, or giving up.
Helpful emotions help us acknowledge reality and take action. They keep us grounded and goal-oriented:
- Concern helps you prepare for challenges instead of freezing in fear.
- Frustration motivates you to solve problems rather than explode with anger.
- Disappointment allows you to reflect and adjust instead of sinking into hopelessness.
Shifting from Harmful to Helpful Emotions
If you want to stop harmful emotions from running the show, you will need to start by challenging the interpretations and attitudes that generate them:
Step 1. Identify the Harmful Emotion. What are you feeling? Panic? Anxiety? Anger? Shame?
Step 2. Find the Rigid or Extreme Attitude. What extreme interpretation is fueling the emotion? (E.g. “This must not happen!” “What a disaster!”)
Step 3. Replace with a Flexible Attitude. What’s a more helpful, realistic and flexible way to see this? (E.g. “I’d prefer it not to have happened, but now it has, and I can accept it.” “It’s a setback, but not a catastrophe”)
With practice, your emotional responses will shift from intense and destructive to balanced and constructive.
Final Thought: Emotional Wisdom Over Emotional Control
This approach isn’t about suppressing emotions or forcing yourself to “be more positive.”
It’s about developing emotional wisdom: Learning to experience emotions in a way that serves you, rather than letting them control you.
The goal isn’t to feel nothing, it’s to feel differently. Because when your emotions work with you, rather than against you, life becomes a whole lot easier to handle!
For more on this, give me a call and set up an appointment.
Thanks for reading.