While it would be great if life were fair, many people insist that it must be fair. This demand can create untold misery in one’s life. In this article I discuss why that is and how to avoid it.
Most people don’t walk around thinking they are unreasonable. In fact, many emotional struggles begin with ideas that sound entirely sensible on the surface. One of the most common is this:
- “I just want things to be fair.”
That seems modest enough, right? Who wouldn’t want fairness in relationships, work, family life, or society at large?
Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT) agrees with part of that sentiment.
Preferring fairness is entirely reasonable. Wanting to be treated fairly, rewarded for effort, or judged in an evenhanded way makes sense.
The trouble begins when a preference quietly turns into a demand.
And unfortunately, few demands are more costly than the belief that life must be fair.
Preference vs Demand: A Crucial Distinction
REBT makes a sharp but vital distinction between what you prefer and what you demand.
A preference sounds like this:
“I strongly prefer to be treated fairly, and I will work toward that where possible.”
A demand sounds like this:
“Life must be fair, people must treat me justly, and it is unbearable when they don’t.”
That shift may seem subtle. Emotionally, it has very different consequences.
Preferences allow for error. They accept the possibility of disappointment, sadness, and frustration.
Demands are absolutistic. They find any failure, disappointment, or frustration utterly unacceptable. Making demands generally set people up for chronic anger, bitterness, despair, and helplessness.
And since life has never signed a contract promising fairness, demanding it is a losing strategy.
Why Life Must Not be Fair
It may seem like a strange statement, but if you think about it carefully, you’ll soon realise that while it would be good if life were fair, it often is not and moreover, there is no reason to believe that life must be fair!
Many people still insist, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, that life should be fair. Why? Because they very much would like it to be, especially when they are currently dealing with life’s unfairness.
You can see that there is a circular nature to this type of thinking. When you are treated unfairly by a loved one for instance, or when you fall ill, it is clear evidence that life (or other people) is not always going to give you what you’d like. And in being upset about that, it’s not that difficult to demand that life must be fair! But sadly, it isn’t and will continue to be, clearly unfair.
The Real Cost of Demanding Fairness
Let’s look at where the demand for a fair life quietly drains people.
At Work
You work hard. You stay late. You care. Someone else gets promoted, not because they are better, but because they are better connected.
If you tell yourself:
“This is unfair, but it happens. I don’t like it, but I can decide how to respond.”
You may feel disappointed or annoyed. You might update your CV, confront the situation assertively, or plan your next move.
If you tell yourself:
“This is outrageous. This must not happen. Look at how life is screwing me again! I cannot accept this.”
You are more likely to stew, ruminate, lash out, disengage, or burn out. The unfairness hurts. The demand that it must not exist piles hurt on top of hurt (double trouble).
In Relationships
You show up emotionally. You compromise. You listen. The other person does not do the same.
Preferring fairness leads to thoughts like:
“I want reciprocity, and if I’m not getting it, I need to address it or reconsider the relationship.”
Demanding fairness leads to:
“This is intolerable. They owe me the same as I put in. I should be treated fairly or I will explode!”
That belief fuels resentment and emotional escalation. Ironically, it often makes productive conversation less likely, not more.
In Family Dynamics
Families are notorious for unfairness. One sibling is favoured. One child is expected to be the responsible one. One person is always expected to make peace.
Here the fairness demand often sounds like:
“They must finally see how unfair this is. Why am I always the one it falls to – this is unacceptable!”
REBT does not deny the unfairness. It questions the cost of insisting that it must stop before you can live well.
When fairness is demanded rather than preferred, people often stay emotionally stuck, waiting for validation that may never come.
Why This Demand Feels So Reasonable
Sometimes, when I talk this issue through with patients, they often ask me, “But does that mean I must just be happy about being treated like this?”
In other words, they have equated preferring fairness to approving of times when they experience the lack of fairness.
Part of what makes fairness such a seductive demand is that it is morally loaded. Wanting fairness feels virtuous. Letting go of the demand can feel like surrender or approval of injustice.
But REBT is very clear here:
Accepting reality is not the same as approving of it.
You can accept that life is unfair while still opposing injustice. You can acknowledge reality without liking it. In fact, acceptance is what allows effective action rather than emotional paralysis.
The Emotional Consequences of the Fairness Demand
In REBT terms, demanding fairness is an inflexible basic interpretation (iB). Inflexible interpretations lead to unhelpful emotional consequences (uCs).
Common consequences include:
- Chronic anger
- Bitterness
- Victimhood
- Depression
- Moral outrage that never resolves
- A sense that life keeps short-changing you or persecuting you
These emotions feel justified, but they are expensive. They drain energy, cloud judgment, and often keep people stuck in situations they claim to hate.
By contrast, replacing the demand with a flexible attitude leads to helpful consequences (hCs). Note that helpful emotions aren’t necessarily happy ones!
You might still feel:
- Sadness
- Annoyance
- Disappointment
- Concern
These emotions are uncomfortable, yes. But they are workable. They are just negative enough to point toward action rather than outrage.
What REBT Suggests Instead
REBT invites you to adopt a more resilient stance toward reality.
Instead of:
“Life must be fair.”
Try:
“I strongly prefer fairness, but I accept that life is often unfair, and I can still live meaningfully.”
Instead of:
“This should not have happened.”
Try:
“I wish it hadn’t happened, but it did. Now what?”
Acceptance Is Not Passivity
One of the biggest misunderstandings about REBT is the idea that accepting unfairness means doing nothing.
It does not.
Acceptance simply means you stop fighting reality emotionally so that you can respond to it intelligently.
Once you accept that unfairness exists, you are freer to:
- Take constructive action against injustice
- Speak up assertively
- Leave situations that consistently harm you
- Take calculated risks
- Work toward your goals without poisoning yourself with rage
Frustration and annoyance based on preference can motivate change. Anger based on demands usually exhausts you (and harms those around you) before anything improves.
A Hard Truth
Life has always been unfair. History proves it. Daily experience confirms it. Pretending otherwise does not make you principled. It makes you vulnerable to repeated emotional injury.
REBT offers a bracing but liberating alternative:
- You do not need life to be fair to live well.
- You do not need people to behave justly in order to maintain self-respect.
- You do not need the world to change before you can choose a more helpful attitude.
You can prefer fairness passionately. You can work for it. You can protest its absence.
Just don’t demand it as a condition for your peace of mind.
That demand is far more expensive than most people realise.
If you’d like more individualised help, book a session with me.
Thanks for reading.