One of the most common things people say when they’re upset is:
- “They made me angry.”
Or:
- “She made me feel worthless.”
- “My boss stressed me out.”
- “My parents ruined my confidence.”
- “My ex destroyed my happiness.”
If you’ve ever caught yourself saying something like this, you’re in very good company. Almost all of us think this way from time to time. It feels obvious. Someone behaves badly, and we feel bad. End of story.
Except, according to Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT), that isn’t quite the whole story. In fact, this seemingly innocent way of describing our emotions may be one of the biggest reasons you may remain stuck in them.
The First Myth: Other People Create My Emotions
Let’s begin with a difficult truth: Other people can certainly influence your life.
They can insult you, betray you, reject you, and disappoint you. They can behave selfishly or unfairly.
REBT fully acknowledges these realities. What it questions is the next step.
Do their actions automatically produce your emotional response?
Or is there something important happening in between?
REBT (and psychological science) argues that there is. Between what happens and how you feel lies something enormously important:
Your basic interpretation or attitude about what happened.
Think of two people who experience the same event and react completely differently. For instance, one person receives critical feedback from a friend and thinks: “This is useful. I don’t enjoy hearing it, but perhaps I can use it to improve.”
Another person may interpret the same criticism by thinking: “This is humiliating! My friends must support me, not criticise me! This proves I’m not good enough!”
The events are identical. The interpretations made are not. Importantly, REBT emphasizes that different interpretations lead to different emotional consequences.
So while other people can certainly frustrate your desires, act unfairly, or just be a pain, they cannot directly create your emotional reactions. That power lies squarely with you.
The Second Myth: If I Didn’t Feel This Way, I Wouldn’t Take Action
You may believe that unless you become furious, you’ll never stand up for yourself, or unless you are anxious, you’ll never prepare for the future. A common belief is that: Unless I feel overwhelming guilt, I’ll never want to improve.
REBT strongly disagrees. Unlike unhealthy emotions like panic, or guilt, healthy negative emotions such as concern or sadness can motivate action more effectively than extreme emotions.
Consider two people who are being treated unfairly by their spouses.
The first becomes enraged, because of this interpretation: “They absolutely must not treat me this way!”
What does rage do to that person?
- Sleepless nights.
- Rumination.
- Arguments.
- Impulsive decisions.
Now consider another person who has also been treated unfairly. But this time, they only feel deeply annoyed, because of their interpretation: “I strongly wish they had treated me fairly. They didn’t. I don’t have to like it, but I can handle it and realise that they are flawed, just like all of us. Too damned bad!”
Compared to rage, annoyance is less intense. As a result, the person’s thinking will be clearer and the likelihood of constructive action is now much greater.
In REBT we try to help people favor more of their helpful negative emotions by eliminating unhelpful negative emotions.
The Third Myth: If I Accept My situation, I’m Letting Them Off the Hook
This is probably the biggest misunderstanding people have about REBT. As we’ve already discussed, your interpretation contributes to your emotions. It’s easy to conclude from that, “So you’re saying what they did was okay.”
Not at all. Someone has behaved truly badly. Your partner lied. Your parent treated you unfairly. Your family disappointed you profoundly.
REBT does not ask you to approve of any of that. Instead, it encourages you to ask: “Would you rather spend your energy wishing reality were different, or dealing effectively with the reality you actually have right now?”
Acceptance is not approval.
Taking emotional responsibility is not removing moral responsibility from others. Those are completely different issues.
So Who Is Responsible?
In fighting the myths above, REBT provides some powerful ideas for living a more emotionally regulated life. One pathway towards that is to have a full understanding of what you and other people can sensibly take responsibility for.
Other people are responsible for:
- what they say
- what they do
- the promises they break
- the decisions they make.
You are responsible for:
- how you interpret those events
- what attitudes you cultivate
- how long you continue disturbing yourself
- and what you choose to do next.
That may seem like a heavy responsibility but in reality, it is incredibly liberating:
- Because if your emotional life depended entirely on other people changing first, you would spend your life waiting.
Final Thoughts
Imagine someone cuts in front of you in traffic. You could think:
- “What an inconsiderate idiot! Nobody should ever drive like that! Damn this fool!”
As an alternative, you could try:
- “That was inconsiderate. I don’t ever have to like it. But, we all make mistakes on the road, so telling myself that nobody is allowed to drive like that is a bit silly. Fortunately, my emotional wellbeing doesn’t have to depend on someone else’s careless driving.”
Both interpretations acknowledge reality. Only one allows you to continue your day without carrying unnecessary anger into the next meeting, the next conversation, or your evening at home.
If this article helped you, let me know! Thanks for reading.
For help, drop me a line at: marcelharper@rationaltherapy.co.za