In this article, I talk about why notions of events being “horrible” or “terrible” or “catastrophic” go against flexible, satisfying ways of living and cause more trouble than they’re worth. Not convinced yet? Read on below!
It’s pretty routine for people to describe adversities and bad events as “horrible” or “catastrophic” to themselves and others. Look around you and you’ll find that according to some (and maybe yourself), breaking up with a romantic partner, having a setback at work, being embarrassed, or fighting with a child or spouse are all often characterized as horrible, terrible, or unacceptable.
What do we mean by “horrible”?
In flexible thinking, we question whether it makes sense to label things as “horrible” or “terrible.” Words have power. And the way we choose to describe our life events to ourselves and others has the power to either (1) upset us greatly or (2) motivate us to improve the situation.
When you have an attitude that says something is “horrible” or “unacceptable” (or any of a host of similar terms like “terrible,” “catastrophic,” “dreadful” or “awful” ) it means that the event is:
- More than 100% bad
- Something that cannot get any worse
- Surely the end of you (or the world)
- Impossible to survive
But a more flexible appraisal of this concept reveals that like all rigid beliefs, it cannot be verified by evidence nor does it make sense.
For instance, how can something be more than 100% bad? That’s impossible.
Can something really not get any worse? Sadly, things can always get worse!
Will losing a loved one truly mean the end of all existence as we know it? Of course not, yet we commonly convince ourselves (irrationally) that it just might.
If you’re prone to telling yourself that you cannot stand something, or that some setbacks are unbearable, then you are engaging in self-deception.
Why?
Because right now, you are clearly standing it and surviving the discomfort. For something to be truly unbearable, it would need to reduce you to a puddle of mush!
If things cannot be horrible, what is the alternative?
REBT teaches us that to live a flexible, more contented life, we had better replace our rigid, unverifiable attitudes with more flexible alternatives.
The more reasonable alternative to “horribilizing” is to admit that setbacks are indeed bad, regrettable, and unfortunate. Only a fool would try to convince you or themselves that losing a loved one, having a major setback at work, or being diagnosed with a severe illness is just fine. That kind of attitude is deeply unhelpful and possibly even insulting.
What REBT shows is that you can still have a reasonable attitude about bad things being bad, without also convincing yourself that they are fictitiously “horrible” or “awful”.
By rationally acknowledging that adversities are regrettable and painful, we free ourselves from the depths of despair and immobilization. Instead, we open ourselves to experiencing the normal highs and lows of life in a mature way.
Also, such reasonable beliefs pave the way for improving one’s situation once the pain starts to fade.
Bad things happen and they are bad. Not horrible.
As an example, you may have recently experienced a painful romantic setback or the dissolution of a relationship. If you convince yourself that this adversity is 130% bad, “horrible” or “catastrophic”, you are likely to feel emotions such as despair, depression, and anxiety.
But, by rationally acknowledging the pain of the situation, and admitting that it is indeed regrettable to have lost a romantic partner, you can move on and start to improve your life. Because you will feel functional levels of regret and pain, you will be able to think things through, consider the implications, and make plans for future (and better) relationships.
You will also realize that while such setbacks are certainly difficult to cope with and hurt a lot, they are not “unbearable”. You clearly are bearing them and not disintegrating! So although still unfortunate, the adversity need not derail your whole life or immobilize you completely.
If you’re interested in how more flexible attitudes can benefit you, drop me a line or make a booking on the website, I’m looking forward to helping you achieve more of your goals!
Thanks for reading.
For more help, you can drop me a line at: marcelharper@rationaltherapy.co.za