Many people get caught in a self-downing cycle, where they convince themselves that they are no-good failures who deserve to be left on the garbage heap. This sort of attitude leads to depression, self-doubt, reluctance to try new or difficult things, and ultimately, does not help us achieve important life goals. In this article I give a few pointers on how to avoid the self-downing cycle.
Imagine this: you’re scrolling through your day, handling life’s hiccups like a pro, when suddenly, something goes wrong.
Maybe you made a mistake at work, forgot a commitment, or failed to meet your own expectations. And then it begins: The inner dialogue:
“I’m such an idiot.”
“Why can’t I ever get it together?”
“I’ll never be good enough.”
If this sounds familiar, welcome to the club of self-downing: A tendency to judge ourselves harshly when things go awry.
The good news? You’re not alone, and more importantly, you don’t have to stay stuck in this cycle.
Using Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), we can challenge this tendency, reframe our attitudes, and learn to embrace our beautifully imperfect humanity.
What is Self-Downing?
Self-downing happens when we take a mistake, a flaw, or a perceived shortcoming and use it as evidence to diminish our worth.
So, instead of saying, “I made a mistake,” we maintain that, “I am a mistake.”
This is a critical distinction. One focuses on an action (which can be corrected), while the other attacks your character (which feels permanent and unchangeable). The more we buy into these self-critical attitudes, the harder it becomes to try, grow, and bounce back.
Why Do We Do This?
From an REBT perspective, self-downing stems from rigid attitudes about ourselves and the world. We tell ourselves things like:
- “I must succeed, or I’m a failure.”
- “Others must like me, or I’m unworthy.”
- “I must always get it right, or I’m no good.”
These absolutes trap us in a perfectionistic game we can never win. Instead, we are stuck on a hamster wheel of nutty attitudes that insist that we can somehow measure all our successes and failures and come up with one, overarching answer to the question, “Am I worthwhile or not?”
That sort of calculus does not make sense, and when reality doesn’t match these lofty expectations (spoiler: it won’t), we internalize the failure as a reflection of our worth.
But here’s the kicker: these attitudes and beliefs are not facts. They’re just notions we’ve chosen to believe, often without questioning their validity.
Being an Imperfect Human Being
Let’s pause for a moment and zoom out. Think about the people you love most in your life. Are they flawless? Do they never mess up, forget things, or make a fool of themselves? Of course not.
And yet, their value isn’t tied to their perfection. You don’t love your best friend because she always says the right thing or your partner because they’ve never messed up. You love them for their quirks, their resilience, and their humanity.
Why, then, do we hold ourselves to such an impossible standard?
Life is messy. We’re messy. And that’s okay.
We are all flawed human beings who continue to make mistakes, try to learn from them, and get better at the myriad of things that comprise a decent life.
But we will continue to make mistakes until the day we die, guaranteed.
How to Break Free from Self-Downing
Here’s to quiet your inner critic and embrace more compassionate (and flexible) attitudes abut your flaws and mistakes:
Spot the Attitude
Whenever you catch yourself spiraling into self-downing, pause.
Ask yourself this simple question: What am I telling myself about this mistake/failure/task?
Write it down if you can. Seeing it on paper can help you recognize how harsh or unrealistic it sounds.
Challenge It
Ask yourself:
- Is this belief true?
- Where’s the evidence?
- What would I say to a friend in the same situation?
Most of the time, you’ll realize your self-downing is based on inflexible attitudes and feelings, not facts.
Reframe It
Replace your rigid, self-critical attitudes with more flexible ones. For example:
- Instead of “I must always succeed,” try: “I’d like to succeed, but I’m still valuable if I don’t.”
- Instead of “I’m a failure,” try: “I failed at this task, but that doesn’t define me. All it proves is that I failed at this task, and can do better at this task in the future”
- Instead of “I’m no good for having failed again,” try: “I have failed again, but that does not make me no good. All it makes me is someone who is not that good at this specific task yet“
Practice Self-Acceptance
This is the cornerstone of escaping the self-downing cycle.
And remember: Accepting yourself doesn’t mean ignoring areas for growth or pretending mistakes don’t matter.
It means recognizing that you are a fallible human being. And realising that that’s okay. Your worth is not up for debate or dependent on some fantastical and impossible success / failure calculus.
So, in your notebook, or phone, or whiteboard, try writing the following and practicing it every day by saying it to yourself:
“I am not a failure for failing at things. When I make mistakes or fail, all it proves is that I’m a fallible human being. I can accept that!”
A Final Note on Self-Downing
You are gloriously, hilariously imperfect. You’ll never get it all right, and neither will anyone else. And that’s the point. Life isn’t a report card: It’s an ongoing, flawed project.
So, the next time you hear that inner critic whispering, remember this: You’re not your mistakes. You’re not your flaws. You’re you—a wonderfully imperfect human doing the best you can.
For more on this, or to see me for a session, set up an appointment or mail me.
Thanks for reading.