Although most of us are fascinated by our own personal histories (and those of others around us), focusing on the past too much can have negative side-effects, especially for your peace of mind. In this article, we look at how being more in the present can benefit your mental health.
The Past: A Tricky Customer
Although most people believe that their personal histories and past events are critical to their current situation, the past is trickier than most suppose.
For instance, psychological science teaches us that our memory of past events is at best, incomplete, and at worst, outright fictional. We distort, confabulate, and misremember what really happened.
In addition, each time we recall the past, our brain recreates the memory with added or altered details!
So, the past, as we remember it, is hardly a reliable source of information.
Nonetheless, many people insist that understanding their past, especially the origins of their problems and challenges, is essential to improving their mental health.
But is that true?
The Problem with the Past
Although it may seem intuitive to think that understanding where your psychological problems come from is necessary to solve them, many—including most REBT therapists like myself—would disagree.
For one thing, as I mentioned earlier, our memories of the past are far from accurate. But even if you could recall the past perfectly, knowing why you have psychological challenges is never as important as understanding what you are currently doing about them, right here, right now.
The main reason is simple: We can never, under any circumstance, change our past. And while that might seem obvious, most people eventually convince themselves that they can!
For instance, have you ever said to yourself, “It’s so unfair that I had to go through that in the past—look where I am now!”? Or told a friend, “I’m shy and nervous around strangers because my parents/teachers were always so judgmental of me.” Or perhaps you’ve thought, “If only I’d experienced more unconditional love in my life, I’d feel so much better about myself.”
When you do this, you’re subtly invoking past events and imagining that, if they had been different, you’d be cured of your present struggles.
Unfortunately, we can’t change the past. So, we can’t directly alter its influence on us. Not until someone invents time travel, anyway!
But what we can do is this: We can change the methods and approaches we use to deal with things in the present, right now.
Let’s take a closer look at what this means.
Dealing with the Present in the Present
To start getting better rather than just feeling better about our psychological challenges, we need to start working on the present, in the present. To do that, we must first give up on trying to change, blame, or invoke the past.
That’s not a useful strategy for all the reasons I’ve already mentioned.
Once we let go of our obsession with the past, we can move forward and examine what we’re doing right now to keep our problems alive.
In REBT, for example, we know that people often disturb themselves and harm their mental health by cultivating and holding onto three rigid, inflexible attitudes:
- Not tolerating frustrations by convincing themselves that they cannot stand feeling discomfort or frustration.
- Damning themselves or others by falsely convincing themselves that making errors or mistakes isn’t just part of being human but unacceptable and damn-worthy
- Demanding that reality or others must be the way they want, rather than accepting the current situation or making reasonable efforts to change it.
Notice that none of these reasons for emotional distress involve “fixing” or “understanding the past”!
By addressing how we upset ourselves in the present, we can help ourselves not just feel better, but truly get better.
For more on this and other topics, click here to read on. Or, if you’d like more personalized help, why not consider setting up an appointment?
Thanks for reading, and remember to focus on the present for the rest of the week (or month)!