In this article we explore why unconditional self-acceptance is healthier than chasing self-esteem and how we can grow by judging actions rather than whole selves.
We humans love a neat label.
“He’s just a horrible person.”
“She’s incredible.”
“I’m a failure.”
You don’t have to go far to find generalized evaluations of people. Seems that it just makes things easier to label people as either wholly good or entirely bad.
But in REBT (Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy) we are very sceptical of such pronouncements.
For one, such ideas are not realistic or likely to be true. Why?
Because nobody is entirely one thing or another. Even folks who are prone to doing bad things on a regular basis are not always bad in all things they do! The same is true for those kindly souls who do good. Sadly, not all their actions are always good.
So, instead of labeling people 100% good or 100% bad, REBT argues for a more nuanced perspective: There are no good people. There are no bad people. There are only people. Fallible to be sure, and because of this fallibility, people are prone to occasionally do bad things and thoughtless things. But that does not make them bad people.
People Are Not Their Worst (or Best) Moment
It’s tempting to divide the world into good guys and bad guys. But life doesn’t follow that script.
If someone is all good, that would mean they’re incapable of error, forever kind and wise, never short-tempered, never selfish.
If someone is all bad, then surely they’re beyond redemption, never loving, never helpful, never human.
But that’s not how people work.
In REBT, we emphasize that people are not things. Instead, we are more like processes in that we are ever changing, evolving, contradicting ourselves, learning, reacting, and unlearning.
Consequently, you can’t slap a universal rating on someone’s forehead (or your own) and expect it to hold.
Just like you wouldn’t declare the weather “bad forever” because of one thunderstorm, it doesn’t make sense to judge the entire worth of a person because of one moment (or a series of moments), good or bad.
Global Judgments Don’t Help Us Grow
One of the hidden dangers of calling someone “bad” is that we quietly close the door on growth.
This applies even more powerfully when we do it to ourselves.
- “I’m a terrible person.”
- “I’m beyond help.”
- “I’m just broken.”
When we believe such things, it becomes incredibly difficult to improve. Why try to learn from a bad act if you’ve already concluded that you are fundamentally bad?
What’s the point in correcting behavior if your entire self is already written off?
REBT teaches us that we are better served by judging the act, not the actor.
We can say:
- “I regret what I did.”
- “That was a harmful choice.”
- “I want to do better.”
without damning ourselves (or anyone else) as 100% bad.
Self-Esteem: A Shaky Foundation
This brings us to one of REBT’s central teachings: the problem with self-esteem.
Self-esteem sounds great on paper. We’re encouraged to boost it, build it, protect it. But what happens when we have a rough day? When we make a mistake? When we don’t get the job, win the argument, or say the right thing?
Suddenly, that self-esteem crashes.
Why? Because self-esteem is often based on performance.
- “I only feel good about myself when I succeed.”
- “I like who I am, as long as I’m getting things right.”
And when we fall short? The whole structure wobbles.
REBT offers a more stable alternative:
Unconditional Self-Acceptance (USA)
It means:
- You are valuable, not because you always do well, but because you’re a human being.
- Your worth isn’t on trial every time you make a mistake.
- You can disapprove of your behavior without disapproving of your entire being.
This isn’t just kinder. It’s more accurate.
Other People Deserve the Same Grace
Once we learn to stop globally rating ourselves, something freeing begins to happen: we start doing the same for others.
That person who disappointed you? Maybe they acted badly, but they’re not all bad.
That relative who always says the wrong thing? Maybe you disapprove of what they say, but you don’t need to condemn their whole existence.
When we let go of labels, we create room for understanding, change, and boundaries without hatred.
REBT doesn’t ask us to excuse poor behavior—it just reminds us that people are flawed (as are you) and can improve (as can you).
If this makes sense to you, why not set up an appointment?
Thanks for reading.