In this article I briefly discuss how a more helpful, flexible perspective can help us avoid troublesome reactions and relations with other people. In almost any relationship, whether it is with a romantic partner, a child, or a work colleague there is the potential for needlessly upsetting ourselves. Read on for a few simple tactics that will help you get more out of your relationship life.
In counselling many different people over the years, I’ve come to realise that more than any other problem folks struggle with, relationships are often the most painful. From a spouse that behaves poorly to a manager at work you cannot stand, there are countless opportunities, daily, to hold inflexible attitudes about such adversities, and unfortunately, suffer from the destructive emotional consequences that follow.
People won’t do what they should, and that’s horrible!
In my experience, about half of all complaints and upset experienced in relation to other people are caused by one very simple, yet very inflexible attitude: That other people must do what we want them to do! This is a rigid, unhelpful attitude that REBT can help us avoid.
Why is it inflexible to believe that others must do what we want?
Well, for one, you have daily evidence that people do not do what you want them to do! Therefore, to demand that they must do so is factually incorrect: It flies in the face of what the world is clearly delivering.
Also, the demand itself is problematic because it leaves no room for error or for fallibility, both conditions that are universal to all people (and all things).
When people do things that you believe they must not do, you are very likely to conclude that it is horrible, or terrible, or unacceptable. All of these ideas reference a mythical, more-than-100% bad consequence. The result? You will start to feel one (or a mix) of a long list of destructive emotions, like rage, despair, hatred, and anxiety.
What is the more flexible alternative belief?
For one, we don’t have to give up our reasonable desire for people to do things we desire. For instance, it is reasonable to want your boss to treat you kindly and with respect. It is equally reasonable for a parent to want their kids to do the same, and so on.
The problem is not the desire: Rather, when we confuse a strong preference with an absolute need, a must-have that we simply cannot live without, is when the trouble starts.
People are people, not superheroes
To counter your inflexible demands about other people’s behaviour, it’s a good idea to frequently remind yourself that people are just people (that includes you as well!).
People (including you) are fallible, flawed, and unlikely to always do everything 100% correctly. The people in our lives are not superheroes, so we should expect them to get things wrong frequently.
Apart from that, it will also be a good idea to carefully evaluate your attitudes about others. If your kid is infuriating you, and you begin to lose control, recognize that it is your attitude that she must not do that which is causing your upset feelings.
A more flexible approach would be to acknowledge your strong desire for her to do as she’s told, but also that it hardly means that she will, and that if she doesn’t, it will be uncomfortable, even disappointing, but not horrible or 130% bad.
Similarly, if your boss is treating you unkindly and making unrealistic demands, it’s easy to upset yourself by thinking that he must not do that.
This kind of inflexible attitude causes feelings of despondency, or of being trapped in a horrible situation. But the reality and more rational alternative is that you really want him to be kinder and more respectful, but he hardly has to. Therefore, when he does behave poorly, you can feel disappointed rather than despondent.
In turn, your more controlled and healthier emotional response will help you to stay more motivated to change your work situation rather than leaving you in the dumps!
Thanks for reading.
For more help with others, drop me a line at: marcelharper@rationaltherapy.co.za
Or, go ahead and book a session here.