When it comes to emotional troubles, it’s natural to ask why. In this article I show how different kinds of “why?” questions (and their answers) are important to understand.
When life hurts: when anxiety, depression, or anger shows up. one of the first questions you probably ask is: “Why is this happening to me?”
It makes sense, of course. We humans are meaning-makers, after all. We want to understand our struggles, trace the lines back to their source, and make sense of our pain.
In therapy rooms, coffee shops, and sleepless midnight hours, this kind of questioning is universal. It reflects our need to understand ourselves and regain a sense of control.
But as you’ll see in this article, not all “whys?” are created equal.
Two Types of “Why”
In Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) we distinguish between two very different kinds of why questions:
- The “Where Did This Come From?” Why
This is the autobiographical why. It sounds like:
- “Why do I get so anxious in groups?”
- “Why do I always end up dating emotionally unavailable people?”
- “Why do I blow up when I feel criticized?”
This line of inquiry commonly leads to your past: your childhood, your environment, what your parents modeled, what society taught you, what you came up with on your own, and so on.
It therefore attempts to trace the origin of your emotional habits.
And occasionally, this kind of exploration can be valuable.
For instance, it can lead to insights, increased self-awareness, and sometimes even new conceptions of your younger self, your parents, or other important figures within your personal history.
At best, it may even help you understand yourself better, or make peace with your history.
But in most cases, it will not help you feel better right now.
You can understand your tendencies deeply, and yes, perhaps even write a book about them! But, you might still feel stuck, distressed, or overwhelmed.
Why? Because knowing why something started doesn’t necessarily tell you how to change it in the here-and-now.
It’s a bit like seeing that the barn is on fire and the animals running out in a panic, and convincing yourself that if only you knew why the fire started, it would somehow also extinguish it and save the barn.
Which brings us to the other form of asking, “Why?”
- The “Why Do I Feel This Way Now?” Why
This is the preferred question asked by REBT practitioners.
It’s less about history and more about the here-and-now mechanics of your mind. It sounds like:
- “Why do I feel so panicked right now?”
- “Why am I spiraling after that comment?”
- “Why do I always end up so angry when things don’t go my way?”
At first glance, these two types of “Why?” may look similar. But they are actually fundamentally different.
This second “Why?” is asking for an explanation of the mechanism that is creating, driving, and perpetuating your emotional upheavals. Let that sit with you a bit. It’s the mechanism, or the engine that we’re trying to understand.
Getting back to our burning barn, once you understand the physics and chemistry of fire, it will allow you to know that water (or sand, or carbon dioxide) is a good method for putting out the flames.
In the case of emotional troubles, this kind of “Why?” can point toward the current attitudes, interpretations, and evaluations you’re making, sometimes without realizing it.
They turn the focus away from what your parents said or did 25 years ago and toward what you’re telling yourself right now, in this moment.
For example:
- You may feel anxious because you’re telling yourself, “I must not embarrass myself, and if I do, I wouldn’t be able to stand it!”
- You may feel depressed because you’re telling yourself, “My life must have gone better by now, and because it hasn’t it’s awful and I’m such a failure!”
- You may feel enraged because you’re thinking, “People must treat me with respect at all times, and if they don’t, they are worthless worms who deserve damnation!”
Once you start to realize how this here-and-now mechanism fuels your anxieties, depression, anger and general emotional misery, you can use REBT to zero in on the inflexible, extreme attitudes that are the current causes of your problems.
And by “zero in” we of course mean, to identify, challenge, and ultimately, change them!
When you do this, you will move way beyond just self-knowledge or autobiographical insights.
You will in effect, have changed your emotional state and future responses to life’s challenges and adversities. Not overnight, and not like magic, but consistently and meaningfully.
If this article helped you, and you’d like to see if REBT will work for you, let me know! Thanks for reading.
For help, drop me a line at:
marcelharper@rationaltherapy.co.za