In this article I explain how you can conquer unhelpful feelings of shame and embarrassment. By living a more shame-free existence, you can achieve your important life goals and experience greater contentment.
In REBT it is common for us to address people’s feelings of shame, embarrassment and anxiety about what others think of them.
Such feelings are not conducive to a fulfilling life. In fact, feelings of shame and the fear of being embarrassed are often inhibiting and prevent us from achieving what we want.
One thing’s for sure: the fear of embarrassment and shame is almost certainly holding most of us back from achieving at least one important life goal!
What is shame all about?
From an REBT perspective, we experience shame because of inflexible, rigid attitudes about:
- Not being able to stand or bear the discomfort of being negatively evaluated by others, especially in public.
- Believing that doing something embarrassing will be 110% bad and probably worse than dying.
- The notion that negative evaluations by others (especially in public) means that we are damnable, no-goodniks who deserve to be ashamed.
When you feel shame, or fear embarrassment, it will almost always inhibit you in some way. For instance, feelings of shame (or the fear of shame) will often prevent people from approaching others they may find desirable. The fear of rejection, of being embarrassed, will often seem too much, and the “safer” alternative of not doing anything will always appear to be more attractive.
Another example of this inhibitory effect is when you avoid asking a question in a workshop, meeting, training event, online forum, or lecture you’re attending.
You have a burning question about the topic at hand, but the fear of embarrassment, of asking a “stupid” question, and thus feeling shame, prevents you from asking the question (and achieving an important goal: learning more about an important topic).
So how do we beat our fear of being embarrassed and enjoy greater freedom in our everyday lives and interactions?
How to conquer shame
The key to living a less shame-ridden life is to replace your current rigid attitudes about shame and embarrassment with more flexible and goal-directed ones.
Let’s take a look at some flexible alternatives to the inflexible attitudes that fuel inhibition:
- Instead of the idea that you cannot stand or bear the discomfort of being negatively evaluated by others, especially in public, the flexible alternative is to realize that while uncomfortable, you certainly can stand negative evaluation. Nobody has ever disintegrated because of embarrassment!
- Instead of thinking that doing something embarrassing will be 110% bad and worse than dying, realize that 110% bad, or “horrible” events are fictions. They represent magical thinking and are not helpful.
- Instead of telling yourself that negative evaluation by others (especially in public) means that you are a damnable no-goodnik who deserves to be ashamed, realize that you cannot rate the whole “you”. You’re simply too complex for that sort of reductive thinking. Instead, while we can sometimes do embarrassing things, it only implies that we are normal, fallible human beings, and nothing else.
Changing your inflexible attitudes is only one part of the shame-free equation. You also have to do some powerful behavioural exercises to really get rid of shame and embarrassment.
The shame-attacking exercise
In REBT, we refer to these exercises as shame attacking exercises.
To truly immunize yourself against the inhibiting effects of shame, you had better expose yourself to embarrassment in order to teach your brain that you can survive being embarrassed!
A typical shame attacking exercise involves identifying a simple action that you would find embarrassing, especially in public.
For instance, wearing mismatching socks might be embarrassing. Or, you can do something purposefully silly or stupid. For instance, going into a book store and asking the shop assistant if they sell any wristwatches.
Other popular shame attacking exercises include facing people in an elevator instead of facing the doors, wearing a ridiculous hat in public, or wearing your coat inside out.
All of this may seem silly to you, but that’s the point.
Despite seeming silly, shame attacking is more difficult than it may appear. In working with clients over the years, I’ve noticed that few people complete a shame attacking exercise the first time round.
They often start with the best intentions: “I’m definitely going to do this! I’m going into that shop and I’m gonna ask a stupid question.”
And then? In the moment where they can choose to either do something embarrassing or not, they choose to walk away rather than “attacking” their shame head-on!
This illustrates just how powerful shame can be. We irrationally convince ourselves that we cannot possibly survive being embarrassed. Consequently, the shame attacking exercise is not completed.
But if you persevere, shame attacking exercises are extremely powerful and liberating tools. Once you’ve done something embarrassing and realize that the world didn’t come to an end, that you didn’t disintegrate into a pool of mush, and that you survived, you will feel “lighter” and more liberated than ever before.
Repeated shame attacking exercises will eventually lead you to become unafraid of embarrassment and shame.
The result?
You will be far more likely to act freely and goal-directed in everyday life. If you’re attending a class and have a question, no matter how “stupid”, you’ll ask the question and gain knowledge (not to mention asking a question probably everyone in the class had anyway).
If you’re trying to find the right “someone” and identify a potential romantic partner, you will feel more free to approach them and ask them out. Why? Because you will no longer fear being embarrassed or shamed to the point of being tongue-tied and immobilized!
Final thoughts
Shame and embarrassment are unhelpful results of rigid, inflexible thinking. They hold us back in a multitude of settings and events. Attacking them head-on is the best strategy if you want to live a more flexible, satisfying, and shame-free existence.
Go and try out a shame attacking exercise, or if you’re feeling too anxious, give me a call and set up an appointment. I’m happy to help you out!
Thanks for reading.
For more help, drop me a line at: marcelharper@rationaltherapy.co.za